Lately I've been depressed. I shouldn't be. My parents were just here visiting and I hadn't seen them in five months. I think it's the longest I've gone without being home. The last two years have had so many things that have popped up that have given reason for going home that I've never really been away for long stretches. This I think is the longest or it will be the longest when I get home at Christmas.
In 2005 I was here not even a month and had to go home because Dziadziu took ill. Then I was home again in September for a wedding. Then I was home again at the end of October for Dziadziu's funeral. Then I was home for Christmas. In 2006 I was home in April for Easter. Then again in September for a wedding shower and then again in November for a wedding and finally again at Christmas.
I've actually found myself starting to miss it. I didn't think I would because I figured I had lived here long enough that it wouldn't phase me anymore. I guess that is never the case. Where you come from is always a part of you no matter what kind of experiences you gained there. I definitely have a love/hate relationship with the place.
So this past week I installed photoshop album starter edition on my computer. It's a great program because it allows you to tag your photos with who is in them and then search them. It's great because now I can mark who is in each photo and find all the photos with that person in them in a snap. It's going to take me a VERY long time to tag them all but it will be worth it for the search capabilities. You can also tag places, events and things. So it makes it really easy to find stuff that previously I'd have to know when it was taken in order to find it.
It's strange how detached I've gotten from some of those images. There was a time when many of those moments were deeply connected to my heart but now some of them feel like it's not even me in the pictures. That girl in those photos and me are not the same person. Not by a long shot. It's a good thing but it's also startling how quickly one can change so irrevocably.
What has made things hard lately is the realization that I have no one in those moments when I really need someone around. For so many years I accepted that without question. It was just the way it was so I just accepted it because there was nothing I could do about it. If I spend a day at home I realize that for 24 hours I can go without speaking at all. Isn't that scary? The reason being is that I have no one to speak to except myself. It is such a strange thing to think that I never once utter a word in twenty-four hours.
I truly understand what Eyrin meant when she told me that you can be totally alone in a crowd full of people. I do have friends. Many friends. I know they care about me yet I don't pick up the phone to call them. If any of my friends were feeling like I am right now I'd tear a strip off of them for not phoning me. But I still don't do it. I don't call them because I don't want to bother them. I don't want to inconvenience them with my trivial thoughts. Really, what could they do anyway? Nothing. They can't solve the problem for me. So it serves no purpose to pick up the phone.
My mother told me to get a boyfriend. Just like that; as if you can just walk out to the store and pick one up. I think she thinks that I don't want one. She must think I like being alone. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I just know that the longer I am alone the less likely it is that I'll ever be with someone. After a while you get so used to the silence and emptiness you hate anyone or anything that breaks it. You get so used to comforting yourself when you're sad, eating alone and keeping yourself busy that letting someone else do those things for you seems foreign and wrong. Part of the reason I don't pick up the phone and call my friends is because I don't need to. I've become so good at doing everything for myself I don't need to rely on them for any kind of emotional support. Even though I want a boyfriend I don't know where he would fit if he suddenly appeared. Would I be able to rely on him for the things I currently have to trust myself to do? I don't know the answer to that.
Maybe, I'm just afraid that it is too late for me. Maybe I'm already permanently a hermit.
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